Everything Is Illuminated
It was muggy out. Gnats covered the long curvy strands of grass and I watched as Preston stretched out on his belly amongst it all. He kicked his legs as I studied him, stewing quietly in my most uncomfortable of screaming thoughts. Always inside my head, never quite reaching the surface.
What I’m seeing is a little boy amongst the green grass and the damp dirt. He’s not worrying about ticks and snakes. He is happy. He sees this for what it is - a beautiful treat, a moment with his family. Also, something more that can’t be put into words by me because I’m not Preston. But, it relaxes him. It makes him so easily happy.
I’m unhappy, I’m nervous. I’m always worrying. I’m never in the moment. The looming always buzzing sound of impending disaster is constantly playing in my head.
He’s too loud, people are going to stare. He’s going to get hurt, always so afraid he’ll get hurt. Why am I so uncomfortable? What’s wrong with me? I haven’t even looked at Adelaide or the puppy in 5 minutes because I’m stuck in this thought.
This is how I lived all day, everyday until one day it all started clicking for me. ‘This’ wasn’t working - change was necessary.
I can’t pinpoint the exact moment it happened but I do know that motherhood got so much easier when I jettisoned everything I thought I knew about life and started over.
I realized that the secret to life is love and the secret to love is acceptance. Acceptance of ourselves, our significant others, our enemies, our babies, change, tragedy, God, family, and the unknown.
Today seems like a good day to talk about acceptance. You see, April 2nd is Autism Awareness Day. When I was first introduced to the concept of a national holiday celebrating autism, I thought - “how sweet” - and it is.
A holiday celebrating the new diagnosis my child just received? It felt alright. I was lost at sea and would have thrown myself onto any buoy I could find.
I’ve had some time to think on it though. I love that we’re all aware and celebrating autism today, but how about acceptance of autism and all disabilities? Let’s educate our newest generation and OURSELVES. I myself have swallowed enough pride to feed an army and I am learning every single day. I suspect I will be my whole life.
The reality is, I’ve had conversations with some of my most cherished friends where they’ve made offensive statements about Preston. Statements where they were completely unaware that they’d been upsetting in the first place. Statements I would have absolutely made 7 years ago before I knew anything about this subject. I used to not say anything, but now I do, because how else can any of us learn without educating one another and discussing?
I refuse to be jaded. How can I be? My brilliant, happy child sees the world in zesty oranges, ocean blues, and bright sunny yellows. Everything is illuminated, everything is magnificent. He’s the happiest person I’ve ever known, and his brilliant differences are worth celebrating.
Talk to your children about neurodivergence. They might have a child one day or a grandchild that falls in this category. Talk to your children about acceptance, for themselves and others. It might be the most important conversation they ever have.